Friday, September 23, 2011

Uninspired Rut

It should be no surprise to anyone who reads my blogs on a regular basis that I've been mainly on hiatus or as my friends would declare, "MIA." It was no accident. The truth to the matter is that I have not been sharing ideas lately.

I simply didn't feel like my ideas would make any sort of significant positive difference.

I didn't want to bother.

While nursing a back injury and not being able to workout and do my physical activities that I enjoy doing, I began to feel self conscious.

My routine consisted of resting my injured back, and if I was lucky enough to be able to walk that day, find my way to Philz Coffee, grab my java, and sat in the back of the corner and read.

What did I read?

Lots of stuff from the New Thought pioneers. I'm a stickler about tracing "roots" of topics that I'm fascinated with. When I began that trek on personal development during my college years, I was only exposed to Napoleon Hill's book Thank and Grow Rich. A lot of the "Self Help" authors, inspirational and wealth seminar instructors all were influenced by the work of the early New Thought pioneers. New Thought got a "bad name," because 1) they were changing the status quo by questioning the then current practices and dogmas of the mainstream Christian churches and 2) their works were often misused as a means to create material wealth and business success.

As inspiring as the work they printed, I was largely unaffected and still within my dark corner. It was not the most easiest period to go through. The auditions and the work seemed to dry up, and I was unable to find work within a more routine setting. Add to that my current physical condition, and I was dangling from a single-layered inspirational thread.

Not that the coffee DIDN'T have caffeine.

There was simply no purpose or direction that I was able to come away with. The books and the authors often repeated in one way or another, "be still and follow your instinct." Yet after several futile attempts, I concluded my instincts soul purpose was to pull pranks and practical jokes on me.

For example, during a silent meditation in the morning, the thought "goldfish market" came to mind. Throughout that afternoon, I sacrificed my reading and java time to visit three aquariums. I left the third aquarium scratching my head in the most utmost confusion. What was the f*cking point to all this? I did my best to "follow inspiration and instinct," yet at the end of the day, I was really regretting not drinking my coffee for the day.

Does anyone really want me to blog about that crap? So sorry I haven't shared much. As stated, I'm sparing my public. I mean why would I blog about going to the aquariums to look at goldfish and leaving in a state of confusion because there was simply no point in going to the damn aquarium in the first place.

I'd type away about lion dance, however I've only participated in the capacity of the percussion section this past month. Nothing to see, nothing exciting. I could rant and rave about drumming onstage with inexperienced cymbal players who didn't play worth a damn, but if anyone was there, their ears would've figured THAT out. It's pointless to dwell on it. If anything about my back dilemma, it's a reminder that "retirement" from actually playing the lion is rapidly approaching, and that may NOT be such a bad thing after all. I'm at an age where I should be watching my little ones learn the fundamentals of the art.

Which leads me to the next thought. I know it'll be a challenge to grow up as my children, especially if they too yearn to perform. I'll be harping on practice, foundation, technique, practice, foundation, technique until their ears bleed. They'll most likely NOT want me to watch any shows with them. I tend to pick it apart.

I miss acting. It's not like I'm not pursuing it, it's more like I haven't really delved deep into a character's role in over a year. It's that studying the script and doing crazy fun exercises in digging deeper about his motives, objectives, thought patterns, attitude, hopes, dreams, even fears.

I keep on saying about my vision in creating this space: physical space with the purpose of creating connection, inspire, feed all mind body and soul, and express artistically. I handpicked three main locations to establish such a space: Oakland, Singapore, and a location TBA in Southeast Asia. Oakland because that place is so special though the mediots and the inhabitants may not realize the specialness. Singapore because from a spiritual standpoint, a space that shares the message of Divine unity with God and each other is so lacking there. As for the third location, I'm bouncing in-between Malaysia and the Philippines.

So yeah, this is what I contemplate during a rut...

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