Saturday, July 14, 2012

Separate and Incomplete

Who would've known that in this day and age of the post-Civil Rights Movement, this society has gotten more and more separated and disconnected.  Let's say we're about two generations into a post-Civil Rights Movement society.  It seems that there appears to be more separation and disconnection in this day and age.

Now, I'm not going to be going into the whole inter-ethnic, inter-racial tension amongst all the various ethnic groups within the greater American society.  If anything, my personal theory is that the inter-racial, inter-ethnic tensions amongst differing groups is merely a symptom of what I'm about to share.

I joke around that the former largest book retailer is at fault.  (Border's)  All the different categories of books and separated and marketed accordingly.  Now that is for the convenience of the consumer who's shopping and looking for a specific book.  My question is that have we become a society who has over-compartmentalized to the detriment of humanity?  In the case of categorizing books, it makes sense to store and present accordingly in order to enable the shopper to find what book they're looking for.

In other words, do we separate and categorize more than we should?

Like people?

Or even differing aspects and facets of people?

I'm a book nerd.  I'll admit it.  I have yet to own a Nook or an iPad.  I have downloaded a handful of out of print books on PDF files to my lappy.  I'm just not used to reading off a screen, so I have a preference for actual books.  One of the few bookstores in San Francisco is Green Apple.  They carry a large amount of out of print books.  They have categories and sub-categories.  The books I've been looking for are those that tend to overlap-categorically.  I can go back and forth to like 7 different categorical sections in the store just to look for one title, and since their selection of used books are not inventoried, it's not like the staff could type up the title or author.  So basically, I can get lost and dizzy looking for a book.   That's just a book.  To put it simply, I can get lost and dizzy looking for a specific item composed of paper and ink.  Yet, we know there's much more to the paper and ink which what makes each book unique.

People are even much more complicated than that.

Online marketing, global economy, and marketing demographics has created more and more categories to place a person.  It makes things easier for advertisers and marketing departments in order to maximize the advertising dollar.

Like a pharmaceutical drug, there are side-effects.  Yes a pharmaceutical drug can benefit the user for a specific symptom and/or need with a likely risk of side effects that comes along with taking it.  Likewise this whole concept of breaking society and humanity down to demographics and categories, while benefiting the global market, has a side effect detrimental to humanity.

We're losing our wholeness.  Actually it's not so much that our wholeness is lost.  In all honesty, we can never lose our wholeness.  It's more of a lack of acknowledgment and validation of our wholeness that's missing.  We don't acknowledge our own wholeness, we don't acknowledge others and their wholeness, while conversely they don't acknowledge ours.

And that's what I mean as racial and ethnic tensions within society being symptomatic. Lack of acknowledgement on others' wholeness based on their racial and ethnic makeup.  During the Civil Rights Era, there were two main camps vying for a voice on how to achieve racial equality: one was for unconditional integration and the other was a proponent for creating a separate self-sufficient community. As someone who completed his undergrad degree in Ethnic Studies, I've heard both arguments and I can see validity on both arguments. 

But let's look at it from a much closer view:  Not acknowledging our own wholeness creates unnecessary stress, takes a toll on our health, and becomes an obstacles to our endeavors.  Going back to book shopping in the bookstore, I was looking for a book about healthy living, but because of the notoriety of the author, I had to look at the sections of psychology, metaphysics, religious theory, and even economics in addition to the health section.  The thing was, that book addressed every aspect of living: spirituality, health, finances, relationships, and psychology.  In other words, it was a book about wholeness.  Yet, there was no such section or category on wholeness at the bookstore.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

My Confession

Today is July 10, 2012 at 6am PST.  Normally I'm asleep until 9am after going to bed around 2 or 3am.  I awoke at 4:48am this morning after going to bed around 2:30am.  In other words, I barely had about 2 hours of sleep. 

Since 1999, I pursued acting on every possible level: from audition notices on Backstage West, to Craigslist, to CSU Hayward Theater department and everything in-between.  I did not call myself as a "professional actor" until I was actually paid for my performance on some commercial karaoke videos in 2001.  I was cast in my 1st local commercial at the end of 2003, and my first lead role on a stage production in 2004.  I "peaked" when I was cast as one of the leads on the independent film So Beauty.  That was in 2005.  During the filming, my mom passed away literally 20 minutes before call time.  Since that point, I've struggled with ease and confidence on productions, auditions, even promotional events.  Though I landed an agent based out of the San Francisco Bay Area in 2010, nothing had been handed to me easily. 

On a personal level, my last relationship ended in the summer of 2004, and I went on my first date since that summer in July 2006.  It didn't go too well.  I dated again in the spring of 2007, and once again, it didn't go too well.  It was disastrous enough that I sought out a personal development coach.  I attended one of his retreats during my birthday week in the end of August.  That was the start of my personal development journey. 

In March 2008, I took The Basic Seminar, offered from PSI Seminars.  That course enabled me to piece together my acting training, the personal development course I took in 2007, the sales and personal development courses I took during my 1st stint as a college student during the 1990s, and my church experience.  I took all the following advanced courses offered by them.  One of the unique benefits as a graduate is the opportunity to re-attend the Basic course at no charge, so I was able to review the elements of the class up to the present day.  In the fall, PSI offers an advance course/convention called Principia where guest speakers are invited to teach.  I attended the event in 2008, 09, 10, and 2011.

More recently in 2011, I made a spiritual transition of leaving the more mainstream evangelical form of Christianity and embraced what is considered "New Thought," which has been labeled as "Practical Christianity," "Spiritual," "Science of Mind," "Metaphysics Christianity," "Religious Science," "Unity" "Truth." 

Yet, I have a confession to make. 

With all that experience and new insights and achievements over the past 5 years, there is still an inner struggle I deal with day in and day out. 

My "I AM" statement.

Personal development and New Thought really has an overlapping concept of the "I AM" theory.  Not only is it a foundational spiritual statement.  (In the Bible, God's "name" is Hebrew form of "I AM")  In other words, an "I AM" statement is basically a self declaration belief about ourselves, and our concept of God simultaneously.  So when I say, "I AM _____," I'm saying that I am this, AND my concept/belief about God (Divine, Universe, Infinite Intelligence, Allah, ect) is this. 

An "I AM" statement can be empowering or it can be limiting. 

My "I AM" statement(s) falls in the "latter" category. 

In 1999, Crosswinds Church began a "post-modern, college, young career/family" ministry called "The Sanctuary."  It was an evening service aimed for young adults and "the young at heart."  That's when I befriended Peter Sleeper, who was the newly hired Executive Pastor of Crosswinds.  He and I met on a regular basis, and he recommended a home study course by a Dr Eckman about identifying the "Sonship of God," and claiming yourself as the rightful Child of God.  It was during that study when I came to the conclusion that I could never be a Child of God.  I'm not, wasn't, and would never be. 

"I AM God's mistake." 

You see, I was placed for adoption even before I was born.  Not only did I have the legal documentation to confirm that, I met my biological mother face-to-face who told me herself.  I spent my childhood growing up with four main messages:

1) I was a mistake by my "real" parents.

2) I can or will be returned to the adoption agency if I didn't live up to standards.

3) Every family negative situation was MY fault. (I was often blamed for my parents health issues, my father's alcoholism, and for my younger cousin's misbehavior) 

4) I was lovingly "chosen." 

Yes, that 4th message did contradict the other three messages.  It's funny about the "chosen" message and the fact that I "chose" a profession where I present myself to be "chosen" by casting directors, producers, ect.  Bear in mind, the "lovingly chosen" was a mild form of manipulation of the expectation of gratitude I needed to openly express to the family who poured their heart and soul into raising me. 

So this journey of the last 4-5 years was about letting go of a false "I AM" statement about myself as a "mistake," but I recently discovered a corollary "I AM" statement that was just as strong as the one I was dealing with.

"I AM worthless." 

That tends to sabotage and cancels out a lot of intentions I've set and developed over the last few years.  It not only undermines my financial and career goals, it also sabotages any sort of relationship goals. 

Don't ask me what I am going to do about those beliefs, for I have just come to the realization of the 2nd one and it has surfaced very recently.  I need to process what has been brought to my attention.  I have a list of request to ask in support of the recent discovery:

1) Please don't demand that I "get over it."  That only places additional pressure.

2) Please don't tell me to "not feel that way."  How about if I tell you to NOT think about the pink elephant. 

3) Sometimes your presence is worth more than the words you attempt to say.  If I'm at a state of feeling and am not saying much, you need to say even less. 

4) Don't let my smile fool you.  I am an actor after all. 

5) I acknowledge your Divinity, please acknowledge mine.  In other words, let God reveal to me that those two "I AM" statements are not true.  I know that already on an intellectual level.  It needs to sink, root, and plant in the depth of my heart. 

I am thankful for the support I've received over the years, the miracles that showed me differently, and tools I've learned to overcome such beliefs. 

But I just need time.  Time to process.  Time to reflect.  Time to let God show me the errors of my way. 

Thank you in advance.